it's jokes

Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?

Because unlike the Twin Towers it can dodge.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

Knock knock! Who's there? It's Dave! Dave who? Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.

Yo mama is so fat, it took Nationwide 15 years to get on her side.

I heard a joke about chocolate bars, and it wasn't that funny. So I just snickered.

I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till I realized it is a family business.

I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut itself.

Welcome to Dave's Orphanage. "You make it, we take it."

What's the difference between a mosquito and a pornstar? One stops sucking when you smack it.

Q: Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for their birthday?

A: 'Cause it don't have a home button.

How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall? -- They'll get over it.

I did a bungee jump for charity recently. It was called "spastics on elastics."

Losing weight is a piece of cake. Just don't pick it up.

a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?

Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?

Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.

Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.

What do you call it when a midget waves at you?

A microwave.