it's jokes

"Confucius say: Man go asy, full retard. It's an art, a weapon, and a lifestyle. Once you go full retard, there is no going back."

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."

I wish my lawn was emo, so I would not have to cut it, it would cut itself.

What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?

Showing them the ropes.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?

'Cause she will let it go.

You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde girl?

One stops sucking when you smack it.

I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.

Question: How did the cat cross the river?

Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.

Why did the chipmunk swim on its back?

To keep its nuts dry.

So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.

Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?

Bryce: What?

Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!

P.S. I'm a girl.

So Santa fell down the chimney, but it was a lit chimney...his name's no longer Santa. It's Crisp Cringle. Pls send help :)

What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?

The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.

In a normal country, you call it Yugoslavia.

In Soviet Russia, it's called aregoslavia.

In a normal country, you call it Yugoslavia.

In Soviet Russia, it's called yugostravia.

Wanna hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind, it’s too cheesy! 😅

There's a truck full of babies. What's worse than that? One baby being alive. What's worse than that? That baby having to eat its way out. What's worse than that? That same baby coming back from seconds.

Mom: (Looking through Facebook) How adorable!

Kid: (Looking over her shoulder) What a cute ass!

The kid's mom blushes until she realizes what he was pointing to. It was a picture of a baby donkey.

The real question is, what was she looking at on the same screen that made her blush at that remark?

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!

I'mma flip this coin, if it lands on heads, tuh, you gotta give me head, if it lands on tails then you gotta give me the booty, so lets give this a try *flips coin* OOP! Would ya look at that, it landed on both, ESSKETIT!