it's jokes
A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."
Why couldn't the penguin cross the road?
It was ran over. 🐧
There was a Cheerio that had a job. He worked hard at it, and the boss came up and promoted him to the vice president of the Cheerios. So he needed a speech. He kept practicing and practicing and now he was thirsty. It was almost time for his speech, so he went to the drinking fountain, but there was a huge line. So he went to the lake, but he saw tons of garbage and what he thought was a cereal killer. So he found this bowl of punch, but he realized... there was no punchline.
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."
A fly is 6 inches above water, and a fish sees it and it leaps out and gets the fly. Then a bear grabs the fish and eats it. Then a hunter shot the bear, and a mouse saw some crackers and then leaped on the cracker and ate it. Then a cat runs down to get the mouse, trips, and falls into the water, and that's the story of how six inches can get a pussy wet.
What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A mosquito stops sucking after you f*cking slap it.
Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".
Why did Jimmy throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who knife-raped his wife.
What's better than a pile of dead babies?
One that's alive in the middle that has to eat its way out.
What's the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb twice until she finally gets it.
A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.
Fortnite is like America... At one time it was good and free. Now it's neither.
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Hey, wanna hear a construction joke?
- Sure.
Oh sorry, I'm still working on it :-]
I was gonna tell you a sodium joke, but Na, only I thought it was so dium funny.
Why is the homeless homeless?
Because it's homeless.
If somebody cuts their leg off and hits you with it, would they be kicking or hitting you?
How do you stop a baby from crawling on the floor?
Nail one hand to the ground...
How do you stop it from crawling in circles? Nail the other hand to the floor.
"Well," he says, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole."