Irony jokes
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.
Tbh they really left me hanging there.
I'm what they call a ✨️askhole✨️.
A person who will consistently ask for your advice and wisdom, but then proceed to do the exact opposite of what you say.
Me: spreading positivity.
Everyone else at the HIV testing center.
To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.
What idiot said to Stephen Hawking, "You can't run before you can walk"?
Your joke: you.
What's something you shouldn't tell a paraplegic that's being confronted by a bully?
Just walk away.
Someone forgot to do half the questions in the history test.
And that's what made him go down in history.
I went to help an amputated girl, but she didn't have a hand for me to grab.
Say no to drugs, kids. Suddenly, the poster disappeared. I hallucinated. Must have been the cocaine.
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"
There's 3 things I hate.
1. Jokes
2. Lists
3. Irony.
I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.
I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.
Haha, my life is a joke, but it ain't funny.
Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...
Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...