I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.
My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.
One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."
She died in a fire.
Do you want to buy my Hoover?
I mean... it's just collecting dust.
Do people even like me, C. A. S. N. O. V. A.?
I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.
The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.
"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.
"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
I hate when my brother dates other people.
Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵
The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are... Woah!
You know those paper families you cut out?
Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."
So I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.
I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
Ha! It asked me to submit a joke, but then I realized I'm the joke.
What's worse than having an honorary degree from Harvard? Being homeless and having an honorary degree from Harvard.
When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.
