Irony Jokes

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.

Do people even like me, C. A. S. N. O. V. A.?

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

A black and white picture shows a person with a tear running down their face. Above, there is the text: "When you order a book called 'How to scam people' and it still hasn't arrived after 3 months:"

Kurt Cobain didn't mean to kill himself. He was just so high he thought the shotgun was a bong.

His lyrics are so ironic but so true. "I'm not coming back". "I swear I don't have a gun."

Do you want to buy my Hoover?

I mean... it's just collecting dust.

Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...

Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...

The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are... Woah!

Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.

"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.

"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.

You know those paper families you cut out?

Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."

So I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.

I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.