Irony jokes

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

What's the depressed person's favorite song?

Van Halen - Jump

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!

You know those paper families you cut out?

Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user?

Fast food.

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

Do people even like me, C. A. S. N. O. V. A.?

I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.

Do you want to buy my Hoover?

I mean... it's just collecting dust.

How do you punish blind kids?

Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.

"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.

"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are... Woah!

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.

What's worse than having an honorary degree from Harvard? Being homeless and having an honorary degree from Harvard.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."

So I stabbed him.

Now we wait...