Irony jokes

A burglar breaks into the home of a weapons engineer. He wants to steal some of his weapons from his strictly secured chamber. When he breaks in through the window to go into his weapons cellar, he realizes that the inventor is at home and heard him from upstairs.

The burglar shouts, "Hands up, there is no escape!" The engineer shouts, "What do you want from me?" The thief answers impatiently, "Well, what do you think? I know what you're hiding here. Get me entry to your armory, right away!" "Never in my life will I do that!" The burglar pulls out his pistol, "Either you let me in, or you go for it!"

"Well, I'll give up, I'll give you my guns. Please don't shoot me." The burglar grins gleefully, "Thank you." "I even have a gun here that I've been working on lately. You can have it." The burglar then thinks and grunts, "Okay, before you open up, you'll show me this first!"

The inventor says, "It's shooting plasma. You can test it on one of my practice goals that I've made while I'm unlocking," and points to a side room where various dummies with targets are set up. The burglar walks into the room with the targets, focuses on the red dot in the middle of the disc, and pushes off. But the gun does not fire plasma or at the target. Instead, the gun fires a bullet at the burglar. This causes him to bleed to the ground.

The engineer behind him began to laugh, "Hahaha! I knew you were falling for it! This is not a plasma gun at all; this is my latest invention, especially for burglars like you: the backward-shooting pistol."

We finally have something in common with Africa. They die of starvation, we die of overeating.

“Life is going swimmingly,”

“Tell that to Whitney Houston.”

Kobe: "Don't crash!"

Helicopter: *Crashes*

How are boobs and toys similar?

Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.

The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.

You really seem like you don't want to be laughing at that rape joke, but somewhat ironically, I'm forcing you.

Kurt Cobain didn't mean to kill himself. He was just so high he thought the shotgun was a bong.

His lyrics are so ironic but so true. "I'm not coming back". "I swear I don't have a gun."

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user?

Fast food.

Why is Jeffrey Epstein so bad at races?

Because he comes in a little behind.

Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

I'm what they call a ✨️askhole✨️.

A person who will consistently ask for your advice and wisdom, but then proceed to do the exact opposite of what you say.

The people in Florida yelling "White Power!" is amusing, because when they get permanent sunburn from the Florida sun, they are not white anymore.

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...

Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.

"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.

"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.