INS jokes
When you split Uranus in half, it is "ur-anus." That's why it has a butts joke. Weird.
Gwen: Addison, I don't mean to be mean but you're really starting to be an asshole!
Addison: I don't know what you mean. I've always been an asshole. That is why people pound me in the asshole!
Kariah: That's sad!
Santa was in my social studies book. He was a redcoat.
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?” Jon said, “I’d be half blind.” “That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?” “I’d be completely blind.” The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one ear?” Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be half blind.” The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?” “I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered. “Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?” “My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
What do you call a homosexual in a coma?
A fruit and a vegetable!
What do you call two emos in a chemistry lab?
My Chemical Romance.
Y'all, these 9/11 jokes ain't funny. I ordered a plain pizza in the Twin Towers.
Who are the world's fastest readers?
9/11 victims; they went through 91 stories in 11 seconds.
I robbed a person in a wheelchair. He cried and said: "You can run, but you can't hide." I ran, and I never saw him again.
I have a trans friend.
He is in a polyamorous relationship and would be straight if they had a dick.
Women should be seen and not heard.
But how would you control that if she was screaming "NO!!!" in the bedroom?
Me running from the principal because I put ten woman's rights books in the fictional section!
Replace the v in Venus with a p.
Santa's sack is big because he only comes once a year, but his sack is SO BIG after containing the lovely eggnog he has that those weigh the sleigh.
He never had kids because he comes in the chimney.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she looked in the mirror, it cracked.
My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"
Me: "Where?"
Friend: "In front of me."
Jace: Haha, I won, dude. You suck at Monopoly!
Timmy: Let's play another game. *GUNSHOT* I guess I won!
Jace: *SCREAMS IN PAIN*
Timmy: What? I thought we were playing Chutes and Ladders!
Being in a band without a pencil is as easy as reading snare drum music.
My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.
There are days I feel really bad for my Wife. She has to feed me in the same place I take a dump.
She really hates it when I spit my food back out.