INS jokes
Me in the middle of the night boiling water.
Me talking to my brother: How do you make holy water?
My brother: How?
Me: You boil the hell out of it.
A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all sitting in a hospital's waiting room for ultrasounds.
After a while, the brunette giggles while rubbing her belly. Both the blonde and redhead look over at her and ask, "What's with the giggling?"
The brunette replies, "I'm having a boy!"
The blonde and the redhead ask, "How do you know?"
"Because he was on top!" The brunette replies again.
The three go back to conversing, and then the redhead starts to giggle while rubbing her belly.
"What's with the giggling?" The blonde and brunette ask.
"I'm having a girl!" The redhead replies.
"Well, how do you know?" The blonde and brunette ask again.
"I was on top!"
All of a sudden, the blonde bursts into tears.
"Oh, honey! What's wrong?" The redhead and brunette ask.
"I'm having puppies!"
What's the difference between a Palestinian and SpongeBob's Sandy Cheeks?
One is living in a bubble, the other one in rubble.
What do blind kids and orphans have in common?
Neither of 'em can see their parents.
Why do orphans have water in cereal?
Because mom was never around to produce milk.
What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?
They are all insane comebacks!!!
Did you know the "f" in "orphan" stands for family?
Kid: There is no "f" in "orphan."
There is no family.
Q: What do you call a man in a wheelchair?
A: Disabled.
I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."
I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"
What does a child molester and a Catholic priest have in common? They both prey at church.
I went for a walk today, and I did a good job of telling what time it was.
You're so ugly your mom and dad abandoned you, and you went to the adoption center, and not even the adoption center would take you or let you in.
What do Cavemen poop in?
A Neander stall.
Who is buried in the tomb of Alexander the Grape?
Alexander the raisin.
How many emos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they just sit and cry in the dark.
What sits in the corner and gets smaller and smaller? A baby with a potato peeler.
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
Did you hear about the person who got hit in the head with a soda can?
Good thing it was a "soft" drink!
What do you call a man in the ground? A dead guy.