INS jokes
What does "off-limits" have in common with dead people? They can’t see their family.
Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead hookers, i don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What does Stephen Hawking put his food in? A microwave.
What is one question on a tech test you should always ask before getting down?
What in the Robot!?
One knight, a king, and a queen went fishing. They each caught one fish, so how did three fish end up in the bucket?
One "knight"!!!
How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.
It's the Olympics.
Q) Why did the man decide not to run in his race? A) Because of Olympiad.
What’s the point in a cow going to the cinema? To be a-moo-sed!
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."
"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
Teacher: Your bag is heavy, what's in there?
The quiet kid: AK-47.
My sister: See you at home in about an hour.
Me: Okay.
My sister: Sister, where are you? *She looks out the window.*
Me: Sis, I'm here, can't you see me?
Sister: OMG, she's dead!
Me: Yeah, I know, but can't you see me?
What do you get when you put an ape's brain in a gorilla? A feminist!
A kid decided to burn his house down.
His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
Question: Do you know who Candis is?
Answer: Can dis dick fit in your mouth?
Why can't pirates play cards in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
I knew a guy who would always claim he had a buddy with an IQ of 1.
It turns out he was just looking in the mirror.
What do you call it when you are very sad in Panera Bread?
Panera Dread.
For centuries, Japan’s feudal dictators, called Shoguns, enforced strict laws that kept people from leaving or entering the country. This practice isolated Japan from the rest of the world. By the middle of the 19th century, Japan’s isolationism was creating problems for the United States’ whaling industry whose ships needed coal, food, and water available in Japanese ports. And sailors who were shipwrecked on the coast of Japan needed protection from mistreatment.
In November 1852, President Millard Fillmore sent an expedition to Japan to solve these problems. Led by Commodore Matthew C. Perry, the expedition had both steam-powered and sail-powered warships and several hundred men. Perry’s task was to persuade the Japanese to sign a treaty with the United States that would open Japanese ports and protect shipwrecked sailors. On July 8, 1853, the Perry expedition sailed into Edo Bay about thirty miles from the city of Edo (modern Tokyo).
During talks with the Shogun’s representatives, the idea of a treaty was repeatedly rejected. But Perry didn’t give up. Finally, in February 1854, the Japanese agreed to negotiate a treaty. The Treaty of Kanagawa established peace between the two countries, opened two ports to U.S. shipping, and protected shipwrecked sailors. It was signed on March 31, 1854.
Perry’s expedition also opened Japan to the rest of the world. Within two years, Japan signed similar treaties with Russia, Holland, and Britain.
Q: What did the Jewish person say when he beat me in a race?
A: Eat my dust.
No wonder why I can't find you. You're in the trash bin.