INS jokes

A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...

You're so skinny, if someone farts in your direction, you will fly away.

Me: How do cowboys say hello?

Friend: Howdy.

Me: How do deez nuts fit in your mouth?

Myrtle Beach has a clear blue sky and sunny weather, a pleasant place to visit as a family. Don't you think they are not evil creatures, and do you think they have them?

"No, there are no ghosts or evil creatures." You can say that, but don't be surprised when Gina Claw Scare comes for you, aka GCS for short. Gina Claw Scare was born in North Carolina in August 1991. She died in 2000. No, that's not real. WRONG. Gina's real name was Gina Clawien Scaren. Yes, that's why her name is Gina Claw Scare. Why did she die? I know, right? She died from a curse from her bad companions. We never knew their names. The curse sent her down a dark path, demons and hate comments from people on Instagram, Facebook, and the worst jokes on the site.

Gina Claw Scare loved fire, which means she was a pyromaniac. She would rise from the grave in which she was buried. Did what? Stop, for real this time!

They buried her on a lawn in the forest that caught fire. "HARSH MAN!" I know, right? She rises from that grave, she comes for the people who call her by name four times. Then she beat the drums and set your house on fire! A fire so harmful that you can feel hurt, friends. You can hear everyone's screaming, and then become like her. Never say her name. NEVER.

Q: What do you call a nun in a pool? A: A bath bomb.

I read to deaf kids in my spare time.

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

They can't see their parents.

When you're in the World Trade Center and you connect to airplane wifi.

Kid 1: Guys, stop making 9/11 jokes. My dad died in 9/11.

Kid 2: Sorry, I didn't know.

Kid 1: He was the best fighter pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

Where is this pic of me in my bra?

Why did the kid go in the guy's van?

Answer: He thought he was being adopted.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

What are the odds of you being in a relationship that is going on in the next few months?

What do inner city schools and databases have in common?

Their problems are usually caused by a race condition.

There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

Priest, "How so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

Then Matt walks out the door.

Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

What do dicks and Rubik's Cubes have in common?

The more you play with them, the harder they get.

There was once a man from Peru. Who fell asleep in a canoe. While dreaming of Venus, He played with his penis, And awoke with a hand full of goo.

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, “May I use the bathroom?”

The teacher replied, “No, not unless you say your alphabet.”

So the boy said, “a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.”

When he finished, the teacher asked him, “Where’s the p?”

The boy replied, “Half way down my leg...”