INS jokes

Without women, sex would be a pain in the ass.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."

Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar? They don't have Father's or Mother's Day.

What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?

My heartbeat.

What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?

... A FLATLINE!

When your crush walks in class but you're homeschooled...

I'd rate the food in Afghanistan a 9/11. That shit was bomb.

What do depressed people and Apple's have in common?

They both hang from trees.

I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make a loud noise when thrown.

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Oh cool, something we have in common."

What do suicidal people do in their spare time?

Hang out.

Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.

After a minute, a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.

The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.