Did you know the letter "F" in orphan stands for family?
There's no "I" in team but there is a "U" in cunt
I’ll always remember my dads last words.... Why do you have an axe we live in the city
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels."
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them
walk in to a gun store everything was half off I didn't know back to school shopping started
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?
Fitting in.
Your forehead is so big that you dream in 4K.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
The sexual shout "Yes Daddy" probably originated in alabama
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
1273 depression got the best of me, i'm gonna cry in my room now
Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.
my mom said take out the trash and i said okay. the next day she asked "where is your sister", and i said in line to get crushed.
How many times does 43 go into 8?
Get in the van and find out
Who are the fastest readers?
911 victims. They went through 88 stories in 7 seconds.
I like my people how I like my tea..
In a bag under water.
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!” A man in the back responds, “YOU AINT GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”
Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full
