INS jokes

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

I have 206 bones in my body, but when I look at you, I have 207.

Because of all the rampant inbreeding in America, it's not a surprise that Hollywood had to poach models, comedians, and actors from Canada and Australia.

What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.

Except my depression.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

Did you know the letter "F" in orphan stands for family?

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, "WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!" A man in the back responds, "YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!"

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels."

I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.

Walked in to a gun store, everything was half off.

I didn't know back-to-school shopping started.

Your hairline is so far back I learned about it in history class.

There's no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in cunt.

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"

What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?

Fitting in.