I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to "Hang in there."
* What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital? * ... * A FLATLINE!
Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?
Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?
Me: It's an autobiography.
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."
I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."
20 years of sex in the dark, the wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick." The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch."
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
All these jokes are plane wrong. My uncle died in 911. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.
Without women, sex would be a pain in the ass.
"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
1 like = 1 more child in my blender
The twin towers was basically angry birds but in real life
Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar? They don't have Father's or Mother's Day.
What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?
My heartbeat.
I'd rate the food in Afghanistan a 9/11. That shit was bomb.
Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?
He kept cutting in line.
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say "Tell me if you can hear me", then get in the trunk and start screaming.
I’m going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I’m a piñata
