When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
i was in cooking class and my teacher said - does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?
me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.
long story short the teacher understood the joke and now we are both in daily therapy 😭💀
I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up, I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
people talking me asking whats the worst day in the year for them. Person 1: The first day of school cause i don't like going to school
Person 2: Valentines day cause its to lovey
Me: oh nice mines my birthday cause its when i was born
On 9/11 the Twin Towers ordered 3 pepperoni pizzas, one came in plain, the other came in late, the third went to the wrong address.
Everything dissapers in the Bermuda triangle Except my depression
Your hairline so far back I learned about it in history class
Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.
Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash
Best pilot in Saudi Arabia
What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.
What do strippers and peanut butter have in common?: They both spread for bread
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
I have 206 bones in my body but when I look at you I have 207
jack and jill went up the hill to do it in the water. jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
What does a politician and a minister have in common? both of them will tell you anything to get money from you
Why did the United Nations stop the french government from using the guillotine in public? because the french government was using the guillotine in public on new born baby boys for circumcision
What does a relationship and suicide have in common?
I always fail on committing
As siblings, we always joke about being adopted. It stops being funny when you're playing in your parents' room and find both of your adoption papers.
