INS jokes
An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Who reads the fastest?
The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"
She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."
The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"
The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"
"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"
The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.
Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."
What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? You don't get something in return if you give money to a church.
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?
Because the sign says "No Tres passing."
I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till I realized it is a family business.
What's missing in an orphanage computer?
"The motherboard."
Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box!
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.
How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...
Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?
Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?
Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.
Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.
A young boy was picked up by a strange young man who put him in his car and drove into an abandoned farm.
"This place looks scary," the kid said.
And the man replies, "I know right, I have to walk out of there alone."
I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
...so I threw a dictionary at him.
How do trees get online? -- They just log in.
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."