INS jokes

What do Madeline McCann and a submarine have in common?

Both are at the bottom of the ocean full of seamen!

Why is 6 scared? Because 7 8 9.

Why is 10 scared? Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

I lost my virginity once and found it in a store being sold off.

What does the school shooter do after shooting all the kids?

Shoot kids in them ;)

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the street?

Because it got stuck in a crack.

What does Michael Jackson and Chef from South Park have in common?

They both say "Hello children!"

If I was in a room with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Hitler, and my greatest enemy, I would pour out the bullets and beat my enemy with the gun.

What does the Bartles and Jaymes wine cooler television ad have in common with ministers who are white Christian nationalists?

They both thank you for your financial support.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

Why do orphans play with other kids on a playground?

So they will sneak into their parents' car to be a brother or sister.

Someone who was working in the tower must've put their phone on plane mode.

Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a politician in the jungle yesterday?

I hear it hurt like hell.

What do you call a baby in the crib?

Boys and girls watch Monsters, Inc.

What do KFC and pussy have in common?

Both are finger lickin' good, and after you are done eating, you have a box to put the bone in.

In response to a buddy saying they joined a golf club:

"Jfc, you’ve gone softer than your old man’s dick after your mom suggests a romantic night in! I swear to God you’re so fucking bougie."

(Pause)

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, while you were gone I got a weird call for you... Some Jeff guy? Said something about a loan..."

"Jeff who?"

"Bezos."

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I’m a star! Because one of these days, I’m going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I’m like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I’m like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I’m like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I’m like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me...

I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.

When the ugliest cat looked at you, then you search up the ugliest thing in the world, you show up.

One day in class, little Johnny was mucking around, not listening to the teacher. After 5 minutes, the teacher caught him, finished what she was saying, and said, "Little Johnny, if you weren’t listening, what was the last thing I said?" And little Johnny replied back, "You said, 'What was the last thing I said?'"