INS jokes
Where do you find the best comedians?
In the funny farm!
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."
The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"
The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."
So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.
"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."
The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"
The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
What does an apple and a gay person have in common?
Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.
A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"
His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."
So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"
She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"
The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"
"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.
The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.
"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody that can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
Did you know that "girlfriend" at the end, it starts with "end." So does "boyfriend," and "friend" have "end" at the end of it, but "family" at the end it "ily" I love you.
What do you call German Music in Spanish? Españodelling.
What is the most difficult day in the ghetto?
Father's Day.
100% of blind people in Africa can't see. Together, we can stop this.
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
"Lazy."
I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?
Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.
Why did the rapper go to school?
To get his degree in FLOW-NOMICS.
Yo momma's so fat, when she gets in a monster truck, it turns into a lowrider.
Why did the man laugh when he only had just one nickel and one penny in his pocket?
He had a 6 cents of humor.
What do peanut butter and a prostitute's legs have in common?
They’re both easy to spread.
Santa was in my social studies book. He was a redcoat.
How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?
Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work…
Are you a school? 'Cause I wanna shoot kids in you.
People can say whatever they want about pedophiles. At least they are pursuing their dreams.
In a white van.