INS jokes
What is the difference between a dog pound and an orphanage?
In a dog pound, people actually want them.
Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?
Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A roamin' Catholic.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
Why are there no chemists in Africa?
Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.
After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.
It's in my basement.
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it would probably go up in flames.
What do us emos all have in common?
Depression. Anxiety. The sole desire to just start saying you wanna kys right out of the blue a lot and saying "I CAN'T WAIT TO JUMP OF THAT BUILDING SOON!" and other people say, "Idgaf, do it, all of us would be happy."
Kelly Clarkson wants to be Rosie O'Donnell so badly. Too bad Kelly is the "Queen of Incest" and not the "Queen of Nice".
(And Kelly came from a sundown town in the Deep South, and not from Long Island.)
why are people in japan so slim? because the last time a fatman came, they lost half their population.
Who is not hungry in Africa?
A dead person.
What does broccoli and sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.
One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."
What do Drew Bledsoe and the Twin Towers have in common?
They both got taken out by two jets.
Why did the rapper always carry a pencil?
In case he had to draw a crowd.
How does a booty stay in shape?
It works its glutes off!
What do sexists and WNBA fans have in common?
There's enough of them to acknowledge their existence.