INS jokes
What do you call a blowjob in Africa?
Breakfast.
How is [someone] blessed with a 9 inch dick?
That priest is in jail now. Shout out to the church!
There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said, “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said, “Well, you’re fucked now.”
What do orgasms and pulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
I used to believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"
Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."
The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."
The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"
Why did the skydiver bring a backup parachute?
In case the first one wanted to "cut ties" with them mid-air.
Why did the rapper bring a map to the concert?
Because he didn't want to get LOST in the FLOW.
Why did the rapper open a bakery?
Because he wanted to ROLL in the DOUGH!
What's the most played game in Africa? The Hunger Games.
My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.
Now we wait...
The fact I couldn't hear the announcements at my school because the boys in my advisory are clapping with no hands should be a joke just in itself. They were making sexual faces as well, oh, and don't forget the moaning they do.
An Emo kid in a tree falls. At the same time an apple falls from the same tree, what hits the ground first? The apple would be due to the kid's rope and noose.
How do rappers stay warm in the winter?
They wear their rhymes!
What does gum in my d*ck have in common?
Both get chewed on by little kids.
What does a pregnant slave and a "pay less" sale have in common?
Buy one, get one free.
In 2001, my parents took me to 9/11. I was soaring towards it with excitement!
My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.
He swears by it, but he’s in denial.
Me: Brings in missing child.
Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.
Me: Oh, cool.
NEXT DAY
Me: Brings in 8 other kids.
Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!