INS jokes
I called a suicidal hotline in Iraq and they asked me if I could drive a truck.
What is a four-legged animal called that can fly?
A donkey flying in the sky running away from me.
A man marries a blonde chick, lives a happy life together, and the man asks his wife if she wants kids. She says "yes".
So, a couple of years go by, and they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards, and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question!"
When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror?
What is a Karen called in Europe?
An American.
In the bus, you can't spell "black" without "back."
I can see my future in your forehead.
"My friend and her boyfriend were kissing until she puts her tongue down his throat, and what happens next is really weird."
The tongue gets stuck in his throat and starts to guh-guh-gughhh trying to get her tongue out of his throat, but it cumssssss out with spit all over his tongue, then they break up because he didn't want that to happen ever again...:/
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What does an armed bank robbery and Michael Jackson have in common?
Someone gets hurt.
What does Michael Jackson and Jeffery Dahmer have in common?
They both enjoy kids' company.
What is long, hard and has cum in it? Cucumber.
What is a 3 letter word that starts with S ends with X and has a vowel? Six.
In the hospital, they need to keep the disabled patients' rooms cooler than the other patients' rooms.
Why?
They need to keep the vegetables cool and crisp.
I told a disabled kid to get in my van. Well, it’s been two years, and he still hasn’t gotten into the van.
Quote of the day:
Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.
[Comment your favorite fall beverage!]
Imagine you ask a girl out in braille.
And she leaves you on felt.
Did Mr. Rusher play tennis in the dark?
You will get hit by the tennis ball! Ouch, Mr. Rusher said.
So 6 is scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 10 have PTSD?
He was stuck in the middle of 9/11.
Got kidnapped in Iran. Luckily, I ran.
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."