Im jokes
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”
I'm made with depression and extra anxiety, then a side of gay and a sprinkle of emo.
An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."
My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.
Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?
Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."
When I tell my bf I saw him fall yesterday.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
Kid: Mom, what's dark humor?
Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.
Kid: But, mom, I'm blind!
Mom: Exactly.
Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."
Baby: "Lmao, same"
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity...
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung” like I was supposed to know the name.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it!" she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!"
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just WAVED. Can you SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? Don't be a BEACH.
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
Thankfully, I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.
Mom: Wake up!
Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...
Mom: Why are you disappointed?
Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...
I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.
Looks like depression got the best of me! Don’t worry, I’m already going under.
Kid: Are you gay?
Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.
Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?
Alfred: Why?
Me: because I'm worthless... =)