Im

Im jokes

Native

    • Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.

    Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"

    "Yeah, I'm taking her home."

    He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."

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    • Misunderstanding

    • One day, I'm going to Malta to a big hotel. In the morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tell the waitress I want two pieces of toast. She brings me only one piece. I tell her I want a piece. She says, "Go to the toilet." I say, "You don't understand. I want a piece on my plate." She says, "You better not piss on your plate, you son of a bitch." I don't even know the lady, and she calls me a son of a bitch.

    I don't need this shit!!

    Later, I go to eat at the big restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, but no fork. I tell her I wanted a fork. She tells me everyone wanna fuck. I say, "You don't understand, I want a fork on my table." She says, "You better not fuck on the table, you son of a bitch." I don't even know the lady, and she calls me a son of a bitch.

    I don't need this shit!

    So, I go back to my room in a hotel, and there are no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him I want a sheet. He tells me, go to the toilet. I say, "You don't understand, I want a sheet on my bed." He says, "You better not shit on my bed, you son of a bitch."

    I go to the checkout, and the man at the desk says, 'Peace on you.' I say, 'Piss on you too, you son of a bitch. I'm going back to Italia. Arrivederci!'

    I don't need this shit!

    Moral of the story, don't go to Australia with a Korean accent.

    Balloon

    • "Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.

    (Later)

    "Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"

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    • Sister

    • Hi guys, jokes for sister.

    So I was listening to a song about "I hate you, are annoying, sister. I'm small and I'm smart," and when I showed it to her, she killed me, and later I was dancing and crying.

    Actor

    • As an actor going to film a new TV show in another country, when TSA asks, "What’s the purpose of your visit?"... "I’m going to shoot a pilot" is never a good answer.

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    • Lock

    • Well, a lock and a key were going on vacation, but the key said, "Help me, I'm stuck!" and then the lock said, "I think I am in lock-shary."

    Orphan

    • Technoblade: Makes jokes about orphans while in hospital.

    Doctors to Technoblade's dad: Sorry for your loss.

    Technoblade: What do you mean?? I'm right here!!

    Orphans found parents: Who's he talking to??

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    • Kid

    • One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

    She asked me, "What are you doing?"

    I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

    She asked, "What does that mean?"

    I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

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