Ill jokes

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

ssundee: "If this video gets to 100k likes, I'll post part 2."

SSUNDEE WIFE: "SHUT THE #### UP!"

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!” The Teacher fainted.

I got jealous of the zebras. Sorry, I’ll cut it out. I wanted to practice for my med school test.

My dad died in 9/11. I'll always remember his last words:

Allah hu akbar.

Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.

When I die, I’ll die in a trash can.

Me: "WYD?"

Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."

Me: "Without me? Lol"

Teacher: "I'll call your mother."

Orphan: "Go on, see if she picks up."

I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.

I'll let you decide.

If you're here for a cheap laugh about suicide, I'll give you some real killer jokes!

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

I was the person that flew into the Twin Towers. I have two friends that are both twins, and whenever they speak, I tell them to shut up because if they don't, I'll make myself explode in them.

Let's play pretend. I'll be Nike and you'll be McDonald's, cuz I'll be doin' it and you'll be lovin' it.

Gimme a nickel or I'll tickle your pickle!

Yesterday I wanted to look up the term "procrastination".

I swear, I'll do it tomorrow.

"Shout out to entity...welcome to hell!"

"Every time I see your icon I vomit lol."

"Get a life... hey I'm violet olivegarden how can I help you if you need me to disc someone ill help..."

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

I'll really mist ya.