If jokes

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!

Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.

Roses are red, violets are blue, if you take Kirby’s food, he will stab you.

If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷

If you had the strength of an ant, you could lift the pyramid of Giza.

(Ants can lift items 20x their weight.)

How do you tell if someone is depressed?

The brains on the wall.

I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.

If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

What do you call an orphan if every other orphan gets picked?

Someone: Ugly?

Me: No, trick question, they are still an orphan.

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!

Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.

If you have anger problems, hit an orphan, because who are they going to tell? Not their parents.

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.

"Hello, this is your captain speaking. We are flying at a level of 89 feet. If you look out of your window on the left, you will see the World Trade Center."

What if soy milk is just regular milk trying to introduce itself in Spanish?