If jokes

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

What do you not say to an Emo if you want them to come round? "Wanna hang out."

What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady, but he couldn’t stand up?

A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"

Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.

The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."

If Germany is the father land, and Russia is the mother land, would WWII just be domestic violence?

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

A: By how much he's coffin.

If someone calls you dirty minded just say:

"You are dirty minded as well if you understand what I'm saying."

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?

Is it incest if it’s out in the open?

Or is it... outcest?

If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

How do you tell if someone is depressed?

The brains on the wall.

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.

I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.

Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.