If jokes
If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.
If you had the strength of an ant, you could lift the pyramid of Giza.
(Ants can lift items 20x their weight.)
What do you call an orphan if every other orphan gets picked?
Someone: Ugly?
Me: No, trick question, they are still an orphan.
Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.
Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.
I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.
Boobs are like batteries...
AA will get the job done...
C is bigger than AA...
D is bigger that C...
...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!
what's the worst thing to say to an emo?
if you don't succeed the first time, try try try again.
If you have anger problems, hit an orphan, because who are they going to tell? Not their parents.
How many children can you fit in a box?
Maybe five if you have a trash compactor.
If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷
What if soy milk is just regular milk trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.
"Hello, this is your captain speaking. We are flying at a level of 89 feet. If you look out of your window on the left, you will see the World Trade Center."
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!
A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"
1+1=3
If you don't use a condom.
A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"