If jokes

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

I asked a black man on the street if a white person paints their face black, it’s considered racist, but if a black person paints their face white, will the cops treat them better?

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

There are only 2 genders: if you have a dick, or a pussy.

Does Eminem like M\&M's? Cause if he didn't, that would be like "they're" not liking "there."

If I was any more inbred, I'd be a sandwich.

If the UK is 6 hours ahead of us, why didn't they just warn us about 9/11?

Did you know that people say Michael Jackson only became a pedophile when he was white?

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

If an Indian kid is conceived in incest, would that make them OMbred?

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A swallow.

How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?

Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

If you had the strength of an ant, you could lift the pyramid of Giza.

(Ants can lift items 20x their weight.)

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!

What do you call an orphan if every other orphan gets picked?

Someone: Ugly?

Me: No, trick question, they are still an orphan.

Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.

Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.

If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.

How do you tell if someone is depressed?

The brains on the wall.