If jokes

What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady, but he couldn’t stand up?

If the UK is 6 hours ahead of us, why didn't they just warn us about 9/11?

If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.

On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*

If you want KFC, pour water on a poor person outside our restaurant and film it.

(some kid crying because hes an orphan and kids are bulling him) teacher:HEY i was a orphan to so if you bully him your basicly trying to bully me too me:OOF teacher:now is somebody not here? me:your parents

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

You look nice, and you seem like good fun, so if I give you this flower, will you finger my bum?

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

Bestfriend @3am: I love you.

Me: Love you too.

*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*

I don't know if this is funny.

Dude,

if you stab a cereal box, will that make you a cereal killer?

What is it called if you give 100 disabled people guns?

Special Forces.

What do you not say to an Emo if you want them to come round? "Wanna hang out."

If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.

How do you make a blind person jealous? You ask if it's a nice day out.

When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.