If jokes

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Stop and apply lubrication.

If Italy attacked France from the rear, would Greece help?

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

Leave a like if you like sex and porn, and talk to me if you have any questions.

No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.

If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.

Double!

Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!

Triple!

Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

I wonder if the Titanic still sells fish?

Like this if you are a single Pringle like me.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

If only they had more mosquito nets in Africa, we could prevent millions of mosquitos dying needlessly of AIDS...

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

If your left nut was Thanksgiving and your right nut was Christmas, then you wouldn't have any balls because they're holidays.

I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

OTHERS (MOTIVATED): If I had FLYING as a SUPERPOWER, FALLING would be the BEGINNING STAGE.

ME (DEPRESSED): OK, GOOD IDEA! LETS FALL OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY TO HEAVEN!!

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.

How do you get away with rape and incest in California?

Say you identify as a woman. Fact: It's actually legal to rape your daughter if you are a woman in California.