If jokes

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Stop and apply lubrication.

If I'm racist for voting Trump, then you're a pedophile for voting Biden.

If Italy attacked France from the rear, would Greece help?

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.

Double!

Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!

Triple!

Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.

I wonder if the Titanic still sells fish?

Leave a like if you like sex and porn, and talk to me if you have any questions.

Like this if you are a single Pringle like me.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

If only they had more mosquito nets in Africa, we could prevent millions of mosquitos dying needlessly of AIDS...

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

If your left nut was Thanksgiving and your right nut was Christmas, then you wouldn't have any balls because they're holidays.

OTHERS (MOTIVATED): If I had FLYING as a SUPERPOWER, FALLING would be the BEGINNING STAGE.

ME (DEPRESSED): OK, GOOD IDEA! LETS FALL OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY TO HEAVEN!!

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

How do you get away with rape and incest in California?

Say you identify as a woman. Fact: It's actually legal to rape your daughter if you are a woman in California.

It's not rape if they can't say no. Duct tape.

When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:

Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.