If jokes

If I ever stuff up a post, please let me be. I do have ADHD, short-term memory disorder, and dyscalculia, so please remember that no one likes to be picked on for things that they can't control.

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, "Don't you mean a Martini?" The Roman then says, "Look, if I want a double, I'll ask for one."

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?

It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.

How do you know a vampire's sick?

If he's coffin (coughing?)

So, if she gargles your cum, is that a jacuzzi daycare?

Little Susie had gotten her first period. She told her mom, and they bought pads.

The next month, Susie's mom asked if she had her second one. Suzie said no, and her mom fainted!

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

If she’s old enough to smoke, She’s old enough to choke.

If she’s old enough to pee, She’s old enough for me.

If you want any pictures of cheese for your laptop, I've got enough to Philadelphia.

If my boobies are fish, then am I salmon boobies? Please give generously.

What's a chair's favorite snack?

Chair-ies or Cherries if that's how you wanna spell it .3.

If the red house is on the left, and the blue house on the right, where is the white house?

In Washington D.C.

If you start at a bait shop, you're an amateur baiter, but once you achieve the highest level, you become a master baiter. Now buy a shrimp boat and become a master baiter on a shrimp boat.

If you're bored, punch an orphan, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?

(To a thief) If you like taking things, how about you take my life?

Roses are red, violets are blue, If I slapped you, that’d be animal abuse.

What do you call a chicken staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

(Say it out loud if you don't get it!)

Don't be sad if you miss a shot when you yell "Kobe." He didn't make it either.