If jokes

I asked a person in a wheelchair if they wanted to fight. All I had to do is say, "Stand up!"

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they are standing.

Why is it called a building if it's already built?

If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?

If you're happy and you know it, f*** your mom.

What do bungee jumping and a gay man have in common?

If the rubber breaks, they're in beep shit.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

It's not incest if you're adopted.

Kenya, if you keep smiling then you will become a positive bitchy!

Tenya, everyone hates you why I have no idea!

Kenya stop smiling and start dying!

Tenya, why are you so mean!

Kenya, stop acting like a mantrapp!

Tenya, stop being a bitch in a skirt!

Please leave a comment good or bad! cusswords whatever!

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

I'd hit you, but if I did, I'd go to jail for animal abuse.

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.

What would Hitler be called if he abused women? Hither!

Tip for Kindness for the day.

Tip one. Always speak up for yourself.

Yes, letting someone else speak up for you is nice but also speak up for yourself, be brave if a mean bully comes along. Speak up for yourself and others if they need it. Best, Gwen

My dad was a roof cleaner and I'm dedicating this to him, so dad, if you're up there!

I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"

If you hit a child, that's child abuse.

If you hit a family member, that's abuse.

If you kill either, it's murder for some reason.

If it's a whole family, it's genocide for another reason.

How can you tell if your sister is on her period?

Your father's dick tastes funny.