If jokes

If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

Jacob Wheet, if you don't understand, look it up.

What do you get if you add "ER" onto Hamburg?

Hamburg-ER.

You know chords, right? Well, you know what I love to do? To play with A-minor. You know, feel your fingers on A-minor. Gives you a sense of power, to just F A-minor.

But that's not my favorite thing to fiddle with. That would be the D of minors. It's just solid, you know. If you're clever you can have the D of minors into the C of minors. Or, though a bit tricky, the D of minors into the B of minors.

And at this point you've gotten the point and if I want to continue it would be a bit of a stretch.

A very rich and famous comedian walked into a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him: - "This vodka isn't good enough for you." - "If it is good enough for you it is good enough for me!"

How is spinach like anal sex?

If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

Girls are like math; if they're under ten, then you use your fingers.

If a king farts, is it a noble gas?

Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.

Where would you take Stephen Hawking if he dies, the funeral directors or PC World?

If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

If trees could kill you, they wood.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Stop and apply lubrication.

How do you know if your wife is dead?

Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.

If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.

If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?

What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.