If jokes
Where would you take Stephen Hawking if he dies, the funeral directors or PC World?
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Stop and apply lubrication.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.
If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."
If Al Gore started a math rock band, it should be called Algorhythm.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it... He's gay, definitely gay.
My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.