If jokes
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."
If Al Gore started a math rock band, it should be called Algorhythm.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it... He's gay, definitely gay.
My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
If something doesn't make sense to an Eskimo... is it counterINUITive?
What would Batman do if he wasn't rich?
He would be robin.
Why do shepherds never learn to count?
Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.