If jokes

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!

I'mma flip this coin, if it lands on heads, tuh, you gotta give me head, if it lands on tails then you gotta give me the booty, so lets give this a try *flips coin* OOP! Would ya look at that, it landed on both, ESSKETIT!

Joke 1) 9/11 was such a tragedy... Two drunk people drove a plane into a building.

Joke 2) If 6-2=4, why are there no more towers?

Joke 3) Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is, it’s heading straight for the World Trade Center.

Imagine if you were an Arabic person shopping at Walmart with your son.

Now imagine he got lost and you had to start calling out his name.

...Now imagine his name is "Allahu Akbar."

What happens if you sit under a cow?

You get a pat on the head.

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

If it is someone's birthday, say this for a joke:

"A long time ago in a far away galaxy...

YOU WERE BORN!"

If Uranus is so gross, why do they take HD photos of it?

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

If life was like Pacific Rim, I'd say your mom's pussy was a category 5.

It’s not rape if she’s a dead bear and I lost my job at the circus.

If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?

That number is how many dicks you suck.

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.

What's a chair's favorite snack?

Chair-ies or Cherries if that's how you wanna spell it .3.

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."

If you read this, your life is a joke.

If at first you don't succeed,

Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.

If you're feeling numb, use your thumb.

You might be innocent, but if you carry a large sum of cash in public, the cops won’t believe that.

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.

Then the antidote becomes the most important.