If jokes
Leave a like down below if you think Stephen Hawking should stand for the National Anthem.
If you need to squint to read this...
You probably need glasses.
Q: What is green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A: A pool table.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?
If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn't we go up to disabled people and laugh at them?
Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.
I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a "fret."
I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a fret.
If Stephen Hawking got into a fight, he could not stand up for himself.
You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Three Europeans come to America. They are all captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a BANANA!!"
If Stephen Hawking was so fucking smart, why hasn't he learned to walk yet?
If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Bagels.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
What do you get when you mix an apple with water... applesauce. Wait, do not leave yet. If you are still reading this, you have been rekt, ha ha. At least I am still laughing.