Husband jokes

A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."

How does a cow introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.

So, this woman woke up since she had a bad dream and was yelling about her bad dream. Then, in the bed, her husband woke up and said, "Hey! You just woke me up in a sweet dream!" She said, "Oh, sorry babe." Then she asked him what his dream was about, and he responded like, "I was with a woman; me and her was in the middle of dreamy sex; you just ruined it!" She said, "AAAAh!" He asked her what her dream was about, then she replied as, "I was trying to suck a man's penis, and a cock trying to get cummiee out of it!"

Wife: "Did you notice that the child is actually not yours?"

Husband: "I've been suspecting this for a long time. Finally you admit it."

Wife: "What are you talking about? I asked you to pick up our child from the kindergarten. But the child you picked up is not ours!"

A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”

The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”

The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”

My wife said she would slam my head into my keyboard if I did not get off video games.

But don't worry I think she was just joking.

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

When she gets home, her husband puts a blindfold on her and says not to take it off. The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly. When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold, the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing happy birthday!

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.

The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."

Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."

So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"

The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"

The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"

A man was raping a woman and thought the year was 1970, and he exclaimed to the judge later that he was her husband.

She got sent to the Asylum for Hysteria.

Wait, what? Was he actually her husband?

He was a Christian, so that actually meant he was AFTER the rape.

Wait, what? The Bible doesn't say that.

Actually yes, it does, and marital rape was legal until 1990.

WAIT WHAT? That's not funny.

I'll tell ya what's funny, that you think the women have nothing to complain about.

Why is Stephen Hawking a bad husband?

Because he doesn't stand up for his wife.

To be brutally honest, I think his wife let him die for money, because they could just plug him back in. Surely they have an Android cable about?

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

A man walked into the kitchen and asked his blonde wife what she was doing. She said, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle. It's supposed to be a tiger, but all of the pieces are brown." Her husband then said, "Honey, those are frosted flakes."

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

JFK's wife trying to grab his head be like "him in heaven." Why did I marrei her? Welp, time for a devorsin'.