Humor

Josh: Tell me something funny.

Mark: My life.

I like wine how I like my woman.

4 year old locked in a basement.

Question: Why can't you trust a tree?

Answer: 'Cause they are always shady.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

What is the Harry Potter spell that aborts babies?

Fetus Deletus!

How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?

Apparently not enough to impress him.

All these sea monster jokes are just kraken me up.

Where was Moses when the lights went out? - In the dark!

Chuck Norris once stepped on a Lego.

The Lego broke in half.

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

What's the difference between a cat and a banana? It's hard to peel a cat.

Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.

Mom: OMG, why son?

Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.

Think about it, then spread LMAO.

I know it sounds cheesy, but I feel grate!

What's the best part about plowing your cousin?

- It makes your sister jealous.

A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

So, we are in class right, and the teacher has a metal leg. Every year she gets the question of, "Do metal detectors beep every time you walk by them?" She heard this question to the point where she just says yes without hesitation.

Once she had said yes, two kids in the back started laughing.

Teacher: Ok alright, take it a little bit more seriously would you?

Kid: Oh, we're not laughing at that.

Kid_2: We're laughing at cancer.

How many times do you tickle a squid before it laughs?

TEN-TICKLES

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It picks cotton.