Humor

I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?

Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can. Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans.

I still remember my granddad's last words,

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

How does Stephen Hawking go to the toilet? He logs out.

Chuck Norris and Medusa had a staring contest. Medusa turned to stone.

What’s the difference between an onion and a photo of a dead relative? Nothing, they both make you cry when you look at it.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the Fresh prints.

What did the sun say to the Earth?

"Am I hot?"

What did the shoe say to the other shoe?

Nothing, it was tied up in another conversation.

What's the difference between a snow woman and snow man?

Snowballs.

How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

“You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

There is no joke.

What do you call a cup with a handle?

A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(

What's the difference between a humorous bully and a small van driver?

One takes the Mickey, the other takes the Minnie.

I am disabled and I find these jokes appropriately hilarious.

Two skeletons meet at the graveyard at noon.

"What the heck are you doing here?"

"I couldn't sleep."

A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,

"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"

Son: Dad, am I adopted?

Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?

My god, my egg jokes are eggcellent!