Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

What does a white person say when they're surrounded by black guys? "Hey, who turned the lights out?!"

Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?

Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!

Why did the terrorist masturbate and smoke weed on the plane?

He was told to high-jack it.