I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.

Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.

Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.

Went home with a woman last night. I was greeted at the door by a Mongrel.

I say Mongrel, it was her Down syndrome son trying to process if I was a stranger or not.

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

What does a white person say when they're surrounded by black guys? "Hey, who turned the lights out?!"

Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?

Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!