Hows jokes
A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."
"Interesting."
"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.
Hey Explain bear, how would you like to be replaced by #ExplainNibbles the hamster AI?
You see, my son is very into astronomy.
Son: How do stars die?
Dad: Usually overdose, son.
I'm such an asshole to my son, my wife divorced me.
I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.
How do you make a baby float?
You take your foot off its head.
How do necrophiles get consent? A ouija board.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You-neak up on it.
How do you call an iPhone cover in Germany?
An apple bag. 😜
How do astronauts have a party?
They planet.
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"
How does a Muslim close a door? He islams it.
How can Batman defeat the Joker? A: With a handful of sleeping pills.
Young man: "Very good money, and how about the name of the stupid young man again?"
Friend: "Dagobert Duck."
Young man: "Ah, I remember. He was the American useless."
Friend: "Ah, you mean Donald Trump?"
Young man: "Yes, just like that! I know exactly how the guy managed to become president. Hahaha!!!"
How do cats relieve themselves in front of people? By licking their puss.
How do you know when a joke has turned into a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister." Daughter: "I don't have a..."
Emo girls be like: How much am I worth...
Girl, scan the code on your wrist!