Hows jokes
A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”
The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put him in the microwave until his bill Withers.
One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"
How do you lift a depressed person up?
No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.
There's a saying that goes, "Only gay men know how to dress." Of course they know how to dress! They were in the closet!
How do you get a woman to give head? Force it down her throat and hold the back of her head. Make her gag for a little and then pull out. Do this over and over for 30 seconds or so. If she doesn't open up, choke her and force her mouth open.
Woman aren't human anyways... lol.
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
Papyrus: Well come to the underground.
Sans: How was your falls?
Papyrus: G-g-good luck eve-ever ge-getting o-out.
Sans: Give me your balls!
How do you blindfold an Asian?
You use dental floss.
How do you fit 27 New Zealand tourists in a 15-seater bus?
Simple. All in the ashtray.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
WAIT! I remember how the joke goes! These two cannibals are hanging out eating lunch, which is a clown, you see, 'cause they're cannibals and one cannibal says to the other cannibal, "Does this taste funny to you?"
How does an American know that his time has come?
He starts hearing Vietnamese.
How am I an ableist? My ex-girlfriend was in a wheelchair, and we lived in the same old building with a broken elevator. I ended the relationship by moving to the 8th floor.
How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"
Why is "Frozen" a good movie for orphans?
Because they know how to "let it go" when their parents went.
How do you keep a bull from charging?
You take its credit card away.
How many fingers does the Dragonborn have?
Four fingers and a Thu'um.
How do oysters call their friends?
On shell phones!
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"
Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?