Hows Jokes

How do you tell a child they have cancer?

With a smile on your face.

One dark stormy night when I was 8 years old, I woke up in the middle of the night busting to pee. Half asleep, I walked down the stairs and toward the bathroom and heard a strange whirring sound that sounded like a ghost. When I opened the door, I felt a strange cool breeze and the light came on automatically, and the ghostly sound stopped. Terrified, I did what I had to and went back to bed.

The next 3 nights, the same thing happened, and finally, I decided I had to tell my mom no matter how hard to believe it sounded. The next night I woke up, I went into my parents' room and woke my mom up and said, "You have to come with me and see this, it's really important." Half asleep, she murmured, "Oh, what is it? Can't it wait until the morning?" I pleaded, "No, you have to come see, our bathroom is haunted by a ghost. When I go in the middle of the night, I can hear a ghost sound. Then when I open the door, I feel the cold as it swoops through me, and the light comes on automatically." She yawned and said, "Oh, so that's who's been peeing in the refrigerator."

This is why orphans are dangerous with cardboard. They either start eating it or making it into a house and hallucinating that they have a family.

So I threw out the cardboard and said, "You have to stay in reality. Fantasies aren't real. You can't and will never get a home."

Next day, they make cardboard parents, so I threw that away and said, "Pay attention to reality; you will never get parents."

Next day, they start acting like parents and tell me what to do. Again, I said, "Snap to reality. You will never be a parent!" The orphan responded with, "Oh, really?! How so?" I just simply said, "You don't have a house and parents. You literally like eating cardboard, and then you make parents out of it. You like to eat old people!"

How did Stephen Hawking make it up the stairway to heaven?

Well, he didn’t; they invented an elevator.

"How was your day?"

"It was great."

"What was so great about it?"

"I saw a puppy."

"Awww."

"And I ran over it :)"

How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

The big hand is on the little hand!

Adam and Eve are going through the garden when Adam suddenly says, "What race are we?"

Eve responds with, "Ask God, he will tell you." So Adam goes over to a hill and asks, "God, what race are we?"

God says, "You are what you are."

Adam goes back to Eve and says, "We are white." Eve asks how he knew that. Adam responds with, "If we were black, he would have said 'you is what you is'."

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends how hard you throw them.

I wonder if any of these people are still alive.

Anyways,

When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

How do Asian parents name their baby?

They drop a pot down a flight of stairs.

I once saw a noose joke.

I wanna know how to make one :D

How do you get a depressed person to jump?

Put them on a bridge.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Knife." "Knife, who?" "How are you still alive? I just stabbed you!"

I'm about to tell a dwarf joke, see how short that was.

How do you know when you're disliked?

When they always give you the camera for group photos.

How do you make an orphan cry? Ask to go over to his house if his parents are OK with it.

How do emos fly? They hang themselves.

Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?

Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.