Hows jokes

How do you properly eat a vegetable?

You tip over the wheelchair.

How do you get rid of butterflies in your stomach?

Stop eating caterpillars.

I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.

How do chickens 🐔 get stronger and stronger?

They egg-xercise every day!

How do you punch 40 kids in the face at once? Hit them with a “Sandy Hook”.

Hey, guys! Just a quick reminder to spread kindness today and treat others how you want to be treated!

Rate your day on a scale of 1-10 in the comments below. Mine was about a 7. Also, can you guys please comment [on] what you guys want me to cover in these little messages? Sometimes it's hard to tell if you guys like that I'm doing this kind of stuff or not.

How do they execute paraplegics?

With the electric wheelchair.

Question: How bad is German WiFi?

Answer: It's the wurst.

How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

The big hand is on the little hand!

Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

How do you get a baby into a small bowl?

A blender.

How do you get it out? Tostito chips.

Women be like, "Porn is how we get money," then get angry when boys treat women like shit because they seen it on porn.

A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”

The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put him in the microwave until his bill Withers.

Two fish were in a tank. One turned to the other and asked: "Hey, how do you drive this thing?"

How do we know Stephen is dying in hell?

There’s a stairway to heaven.

One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"

How do you get a woman to give head? Force it down her throat and hold the back of her head. Make her gag for a little and then pull out. Do this over and over for 30 seconds or so. If she doesn't open up, choke her and force her mouth open.

Woman aren't human anyways... lol.

How do you lift a depressed person up?

No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.

Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.