Hows jokes
My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.
Want to know how to fit 71 people in a car? Two in the front while we handle 69 in the back.
How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.
How to get quick cash:
Step 1: Kill a child's parents.
Step 2: Do foster care for them.
Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.
My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!
How do you disrespect an Asian?
Give them driving lessons.
How did the British lose the War of 1812?
They were out-Britshed.
Why shouldn’t you do drugs? Weedle make you high.
How can Pikachu make a baby laugh? By playing pika-boo!
There is a rich child and a poor child. The rich child invites the poor child to his house and shows him all the toys and tells him: "Look at what a beautiful radio-controlled airplane I have! You don't have it because you are poor!" The poor child answers: "You're right, it's very nice, but I have one thing that you don't have!" The rich child then invites him into the garden and shows him the swimming pool, the trampoline, and all the other games that can be done outdoors and says to the poor child: "Look at that beautiful swimming pool I have! It is very big; you don't have it because you are poor!" And the poor child says: "Beautiful, it is really beautiful! But one thing that you don't have." So the rich child feels bad. He says: "Wait, but I'm rich! How is it possible? I have everything I want because I'm rich. Why do you have something that I don't have?" And the poor child says: "I have cancer!"
A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.
After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.
How do orphans have a family reunion?
They use a Ouija board.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He had a power cut.
How is smoking similar to oral sex?
The closer to the butt you get the stronger the flavor! 🤢
How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?
You pull down your pants and show it your nuts.
I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.
How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.
How do you get a Koala to fall asleep?
Sing a koala-by.