Hows jokes
How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.
Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Wanna go ride a bike?
How ISS greets their friend.
"You the BOMB!"
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
More than three because the basement is still dark!
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
A man is out west driving and on the edge of town comes across a tourist stand and sitting in front is an Indian chief right out of central casting. Dour look, full headdress, a glass jar and a sign that says "Indian chief know all! $5". So the fellow's curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the chief, puts $5 in the jar and asks "What did I have for breakfast on this day 10 years ago?" Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Hmmm eggs. You had eggs!"
"Eggs?" shouts the guy "Everybody has eggs! I've been had!" throws his hands in the air and leaves in a huff.
Ten years on, as fate would have it the fellow has occasion to be driving through the same town and sure enough he comes across the same stand, Indian chief, sign, and jar. So he stops the car and saunters across the road, goes up to the chief like a smart-ass, holds up his hand and says "How". Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Poached."
How did "Bloody Mary" become a thing?
Because her husband beat her bloody when she didn't stay in the kitchen.
How do you paint a wall red?
You shoot a baby with a .50 cal.
How is the weather down there?
How do you get a clown off your swing?
You shoot it.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Running, JK rolling!
How to make time fly?
Answer: Throw a clock out of the window.
Sans: haha... Paps: what? Sans: i KNEW it was gonna rain today. Paps: that's nearly impossible, how? Sans: i could feel it in my bo- Paps: OH MY GOD STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
How do you call an American bee?
USB.
How did Stephen Hawking really die?
His wife grounded him from using electronics and unplugged everything!
How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.
Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂
Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.
Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.