Hows jokes
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.
Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.
Person 2: I know how to fix that!
... Next day person commits suicide...
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
A teacher asked his students a math question.
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"
After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.
"One dollar!" she said.
How do bitches talk about body positivity when they have no body to even be positive about?
Teacher: Describe a penguin.
Student: Black, white, beak.
Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan.
Student: Sad, maybe depressed, no family.
Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow.
Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes.
Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?
Student: It describes you tho.
How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?
None, it's all tongue and groove...
How does a crazy person get to the woods?
He takes the psychopath.
How are orphans and blind kids similar?
They both have never seen their parents :)
How does Jesus make tea?
Hebrews it.
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish people thought they were leaving.
Nobody
Literally nobody
Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?
Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.