How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?
You tell them it's a leap of faith.
Teacher: What does the pig give us? Student: Bacon.
Teacher: Very good. How about the chicken? Student: Meat.
Teacher: Good, now what would a fat cow give you? Student: Homework.
The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.
So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.
How 9/11 Happened!:
Hey Bush, Truth or dare?
How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you? I'm so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.
What did Hitler say after his parents bought a hauler?
How much did the haulla-cost?
How do emos propose?
"Would you like to join my family tree?"
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breathe through that little thing?
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."
A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently, "in HD" wasn't a good answer.
I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: 🙄.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: 😳😶😟.
My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.
A pedophile is chatting on the internet: "On a scale of one to ten, how old are you?"
How do orphans have a family reunion? They look in the mirror.
How do you make 7 an even number? Take the "s" out!
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
How does a gay man trick a heterosexual man that is homophobic into giving him a brojob?
The gay man puts mustard on his dick and then puts his dick inside a glory hole.
Do you want to know how to make a Smurf? CHOKE A MIDGET!
