Hows jokes

The waiter asked me, "How would you like your steak?"

I replied, "As soon as possible!"

How does Stephen Hawking charge his computer?

How does Stephen Hawking have sex? Keyboard sex!

Where did little Lucy go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were going out and walk home and walk walk home from school and walk home from home and walk home and walk walk home, and I will get back with him tomorrow morning.

How do orphans have a family reunion?

They use a Ouija board.

How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up!

How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

How do you punish a blind kid?

Move to a new house.

Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?

How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.

I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"

I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.

A computer is a HARDware device. How come someone still feels it is MicroSOFT?

How does a depressed couple say goodbye on the phone?

"No, you hang yourself first..."

How many dicks can fit inside of a hooker? I don't know, ask your wife.

How do you stop a baby from drowning?

Take your foot off its head.

How does the author of Harry Potter get around?

She walks, JK, Rowling!

Here's a Song That Describes My Old Life-By-watersharky Productions-

My buddies think I'm on the lake.

Boss thinks I've been sick for days.

And mama's probably on her way

'Cause I ain't picked up the phone.

I've been a million places,

But they're all up in my head.

Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.

I've been gone, I've been gone

I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

Sadder than a country song.

Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.

Took a trip down memory lane.

Checked into hotel heartbreak.

Passed rock bottom on the way

Without leaving my living room.

I've been a million places

But they're all up in my head.

Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.

I've been gone, I've been gone

I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

Sadder than a country song.

Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.

Yeah

I've been gone.

All the clothes are on the floor

All the mail's by the door

All the whiskey bottles in my bed.

All the dishes in the sink

All the gas is in the tank

All the neighbors probably think I'm dead.

I've been gone, I've been gone

I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

Sadder than a country song.

Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

Ever since you moved on, I've been gone (ooh, ooh)

I've been gone (ooh, ooh)

Gone

If Jeffy goes to an orphanage, he will die. How is he supposed to move?

What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?

I know how to use an exercise band.