How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
Q: How do Chinese people name their kids?
A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
How did I escape from Iraq, Iran?
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5
4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.
Want to know how to fit 71 people in a car? Two in the front while we handle 69 in the back.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
Do trees pee?
How else do we have No. 1 pencils?
My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"
Me "OH NO" 💀
Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.
How did your dad come back with the milk? The Milky Way.
How do you fuck a cow?
Find the nearest Karen.
Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.
How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?
5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.
How does the next train stop for a depressive person? Death.
Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."
Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
It's funny how you feel so alone with depression, and yet once you tell people on some random website, so many people relate. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop the loneliness.
