Hows jokes

How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?

Go through the dumbbell door.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

How is baseball like cake?

They both need batters.

How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?

A blender.

How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?

A straw.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

The reason why Trailer Park Boys is set in Nova Scotia and not Alabama is because if it was set in Alabama, then they would have to record every instance of incest. And the show's writers would need to know how to cram all of it in one season.

How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.

Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?

A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

Q: How do Chinese people name their kids?

A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.

How is the world like dirt?

Because we don't think twice about it.

How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?

Turn on the gas chamber.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

5

4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.

How did I escape from Iraq, Iran?

How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?

I told her the plunger was stuck in the toilet, but she didn’t listen...

How many feminists do you need to change a light bulb?

One. She puts the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around her.

...just kidding-

- none. They can't change anything.

How do you restrain a straight person? Give them a straight jacket.

How do you restrain a trans person? Make the trans vest tight.

How do you punish blind kids?

Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.