Hows jokes
How did the USA beat Japan in rapping?
By dropping two of the biggest roasts.
Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.
How do cows laugh?
Moo-haha.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...
Memes
How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?
Go through the dumbbell door.
How is baseball like cake?
They both need batters.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
Q: How do Chinese people name their kids?
A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5
4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.
How did I escape from Iraq, Iran?
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
What do Rihanna and a DJ have in common?
They know how to get a beat down.
How do you flatten curves?
With an abortion.
How do you know if a Black woman is pregnant?
Stick a chicken wing up there.