How do Chinese parents name their children?
Dropping a pan down the stairs. Bing, Bong, Dong.
How cool is NASA?
Not cool at all.
How do you get an orphan sad?
You say you will tell their mom that they have been a baaaaaad boy.
Kile: Hey, asshole! I bet you listen to trash 50 Cent! How about you get to quarters, listen to him! My favorite rapper is the best of all! How about you go eat a cracker, you parrot nose, fuck!
Remy: I'm... y-y... YOUR DUMBER THAN ANT! I BET YOUR FAVORITE RAPPER IS A CANDY RAPPER!!
I don't give two shits about how evil these are. They're funny.
How do you call a very long terrorist?
9/11.
How do rappers keep their breath fresh?
With some FRESH BEATS.
How does a rapper keep track of time?
With his RHYMING WATCH
How do you saw an apple with no mouth?
A P P L E
How did Steven Hawking die?
He lost internet connection.
How do you quiet a baby down?
Make baby back ribs for dinner.
How does he go for a poo? He logs out.
Student: There are 505 rocks in a car. If 8 fall out, how many are left?
Teacher: There will be 497 rocks left.
Student: Ok!!
Student: How do you put an alligator in a closet?
Teacher: You can't, it won't fit.
Student: No!! Just open the door, put the alligator in, then close the door.
Teacher: Ohhh, now I get it.
I once was sitting outside and watched the birds go by. I checked my watch and said, "My, how time is FLYING by!"
How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.
FICTIONAL BOOKS / AUTHORS
Outdoor Entertaining by Patty O.
Over the Mountaintop by Hugo First.
Plumbing for Idiots by Duane Pipes.
Music Theory by Amanda Lynn Player.
Meterology 101 By Wendy Reign and Sonny Daze.
Oh God By Dixie Rect.
Please Don't Stop By Craven Moorehead.
Life And Times Of A Porn Star By Dixie Normous.
Right Stuff By Dang Lin-Wang.
How To Take Care of Your Cat By Connie Lingus.
Right Way 2 Orgasm By Buster Cherry.
The Unwanted Child By Brooke N Rubbers.
Little Johnny was walking on the street alone one day and saw a robber. Little Johnny says to him "Give the mother fucking broken ass piece of shit back!"
To which the robber says "FUCK YOU! I don't wanna."
Little Johnny calls the police and says "A robber is stealing a broken ass piece of shit purse."
The police said "How old are you?"
Little Johnny then hangs up the phone.
How did Santa fit down the chimney?
He buttered it.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
Take your foot off its head.
Once upon a time, there was a poor man, a middle-class man, and a rich man. They were all talking about how they found happiness in their lives. The rich man said, "I found happiness through money and all of my assets." The middle-class man said, "I found happiness through my steady job and my loving household." The poor man said, "I may not have much, but I find my happiness through the little acts of kindness people show me."
And then the wall fell on them.
