What are you doing, son? It has been an hour, and you are still in front of the mirror closing your eyes.
Mum, actually I want to see how I look while sleeping...
Hows Jokes
How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?
I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating.
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
Walk up to an adopted kid and ask this, "How's your biological parents? Are they well?"
How does a skeleton kill a bug?
They SOCKET!
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.
To not be outdone, the blond retorts:
"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"
Nobody knows how bad you smell.
How many fat people are in my house?
20, counting the kids in the basement.
So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.
One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"
He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"
How do you get Dick from Richard?
You ask nicely.
When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"
How do you punch 40 kids in the face at once? Hit them with a “Sandy Hook”.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick him up and sick his dick.
YEET YEET YEET YEET YEEET EYYYETETETYETEYETYETTEYTEYTEY EYYEYETYETYETYETYETYETEYEYEYEYEYTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
How many YEETS are there?
How many dead babies does it take to clean my refrigerator?.....it gotta be more than 4 because the fridge is still dirty.
People wonder why our generation grew up so sarcastic.
"Hey, how do I look?"
"With your eyes, Joe."
What's the difference between you and Hitler? At least he knows how to use an oven.
How many times does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Tentacles!
Hey John, how are you going?
Helium, yeah good, what about you?
(Hey Liam)
