How does a blind person know when a skydive has finished?
The dog lead went slack.
Hows Jokes
I have a penis.
How's that for a fucking joke? It's not a joke. It's terrible.
500 thumbs down and I'll lop off my dick with a razor.
How do you paint a wall red?
You shoot a baby with a .50 cal.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
How do Asian people name their children?
They throw a pan down the stairs.
What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
You know how Stephen is smart, which class did he skip?
Leg day.
How did you get Sally into a blender?
- Without much resistance.
How do you get Sally out of a blender?
- Tortilla chips.
All these African jokes aren't funny when you are a lover of Africa, how are there still Africans alive? Y'all are racist and may God forgive you. You know we're rich with natural resources, that's why y'all come to steal from us. Shame on you all!
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: Your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and 2 hours later he's still trying to back out of the driveway.
How do you call somebody who has bought a Corona?
A Cor-owner.
20 fridges are loaded onto a plane, only 19 come off.
Okay, moving on, you took too long. How many steps does it take to put an elephant into a fridge? (*Their reply:* Idk how many)
3: Open the fridge, put the elephant into the fridge, and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe into the fridge? (*Their reply:* 3...)
Wrong, 4: Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
Why did Sully fall off the swing? A fridge fell on her.
What is similar between sex and fishing?
It doesn't matter how deep you go, it matters how you wiggle the worm.
How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?
Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.
How many shades of gray does it take to make a dirty movie?
50.
How do you eat a meat?
You steak it in your mouth.
Guess how I'm getting laid tonight?
"I'm stronger than you."
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
How do you know when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
How do you fix an igloo?
With Iglue.
