Hows jokes
How can you tell if a gay guy has a high sperm count?
Chew when you swallow!
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
There were 500 bricks on a plane. One fell off.
Little Sally was crossing a river full of crocodiles. How did she survive the river? She had a gun. When she got out of the river, she died. Why? Because a brick fell on her head.
How do clarinet players play a song?
They reed their music.
You are in the airway, how funny!
How does a lady with stage 3 cancer introduce herself?
"Hey y'all, I'm Diane."
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: .....it...
Friend: No
Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!
Friend: Why are you like this?
How are you?
If you have 20 apples and you ate 2, how many do you have left?
0 because you have 20 and take away 2, you have 0 left.
HEY! You guys need to S T O P making Stephen Hawking jokes. He has done so much for the theoretical physics world, and THIS is how you choose to repay him? All 653 of you should be ashamed of yourselves.
How can you help a llama on holiday?
Alpaca your bags.
How did Steven Hawking die?
He lost internet connection.
How does water say hi?
It waves.
How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?
None, it's all tongue and groove...
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
How did the British lose the War of 1812?
They were out-Britshed.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Somebody threw an EMP at him.
There was this guy who asked a girl how much her hand jobs are. "$25k." How much are your blowjobs? "$50k." How much do you charge to have sex on the street? REPLY: "I would if I had a pussy."
At the back of Abraham Lincoln's mind, next to the bullet hole, he was thinking about how slavery is wrong.