Hows jokes
A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all sitting in a hospital's waiting room for ultrasounds.
After a while, the brunette giggles while rubbing her belly. Both the blonde and redhead look over at her and ask, "What's with the giggling?"
The brunette replies, "I'm having a boy!"
The blonde and the redhead ask, "How do you know?"
"Because he was on top!" The brunette replies again.
The three go back to conversing, and then the redhead starts to giggle while rubbing her belly.
"What's with the giggling?" The blonde and brunette ask.
"I'm having a girl!" The redhead replies.
"Well, how do you know?" The blonde and brunette ask again.
"I was on top!"
All of a sudden, the blonde bursts into tears.
"Oh, honey! What's wrong?" The redhead and brunette ask.
"I'm having puppies!"
There were 32 cows. Twenty-eight chickens. How many were there?
There were 32 cows. Twenty ate chickens. How many were there?
Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?
Half of the class: *raises hand*
Teacher: ...
The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*
How to get 1000 followers on Instagram?
Run through Africa with a bottle of water.
Nobody
Literally nobody
Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.
How do you get a baby into a small bowl?
A blender.
How do you get it out? Tostito chips.
How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
“You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”
You: Did you get the new snoo subscription?
Other: What's snoo?
You: Not much, how 'bout you?
How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.
How did the necrophiliac get caught?
Some rotten cunt split on him....
How does a cow do math?
With a cow-culator!
If there are 12 fish and 6 drown, how many are left?
12, because fish don't drown.
How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do his essay.
Hi Mom, how are you doing?
How did the orphan die?
Of sadness.
I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.
I aced my poker test...
My teacher asked me to reflect on my work, so I got a mirror...
A caffeinated vampire goes to sleep in a coffin...
Do you get my puns? No, because you can't seem to get a grasp on how bad they are...
How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."
How much work does a skeleton get done?
A SKELE-TON!