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Mom, why was I adopted?

Because people are terrible, and that’s how the world works, son!

Ok, Dad, the world is TERRIBLE!

(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.

My question is, how do fat people fit in tuxedos? Honestly, don’t wear those. Wear your regular clothes. Your belly is just gonna pop out!

How many animals can you fit in a pair of underpants?

A. A cock and a few hairs (hares).

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

When you realize you have depression, and depression realizes how stupid you were.

  • 2

    • Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

    Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

    Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."

    Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."

    Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."

    Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."

    Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

    Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

    Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."

    Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

  • 4

    • Every single person on the plane died except for 2. How is that possible?

    It said all the single people died; the 2 were a couple. That's how it was possible.

    I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.

    An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.

    Man: "Hey, cute lady!"

    Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."

    Man: "Not for long!"

    And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.

    Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"

    Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."

    Woman: "Never."

    And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.

    Man: "You look like a dream."

    Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."

    Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"

    Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"

    And then the man orders flowers and candy.

    Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."

    And the man shoots the bartender.

    Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.

    My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"