Howe jokes

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

What's so great about dead baby jokes? They never get old.

Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.

How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb in the middle of the night?

I don't know, I can never see them.

How is Stephen Hawking so smart? He uploads it to his software.

So, there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, "what is one plus one?" She said, "I HATE YOU." Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, "My buns are burning." Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Bobby said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" The principal yelled, "HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?!" Then he said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, "my buns are burning."

How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.

How did Stephen Hawking die? He lost Wi-Fi connection.

I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.

How is being gay like a geology class? You can lick all the rocks you want.

How to make an orphan BLEED?

Step 1 - Tell them to clap until they actually have a loving family.

Step 2 - LAUGH EVILLY as they BLEED.

Step 3 - Tell them to kys.

Step 4 - Leave that mental asylum.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s penis.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

How can you compare a gay prostitute to Pacman?

They both get paid to eat 200 balls!

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin.

How does Stephen Hawking have sex? Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace.

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.

Sorry.

Here's how to piss off all of North America.

All the United States is, is South Canadia.

Does your shoe have a hole in it?

No.

Then how did you put your foot in it?