How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?
You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.
Sorry.
Does your shoe have a hole in it?
No.
Then how did you put your foot in it?
Here's how to piss off all of North America.
All the United States is, is South Canadia.
How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.
A nucleus walked into a bar. He asked the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, NO CHARGE!”
How can toilet paper decorate your house?
Shit sticks everywhere.
How do mountains see? They peek.
Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?
A: By how much he's coffin.
How does the zebra cross the road?
The zebra crossing.
Why don’t orphans know how to use a phone?
Because they don’t know where home is.
My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."
How much work does a skeleton get done?
A SKELE-TON!
What did the blind kid get for Christmas? He hasn’t seen it yet...
What did the kids with no arms get? He doesn’t know, he’s still trying to figure out how to open it. :))))
A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"
Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.
The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."
What's the difference between YouTube adverts and orphans?
Most get skipped no matter how interesting they are.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
Two Indians are walking beside a river...
One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.
"The White Man was here."
"How can you tell?"
"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"
How do you restrain a straight person? Give them a straight jacket.
How do you restrain a trans person? Make the trans vest tight.
How do you describe a redhead with bad teeth?
Gingervitus.
