"How would you describe yourself in three words?"
"Lazy!"
How do you know itβs a gay guyβs birthday?
Depends how hard they blow out the candles.
How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.
How did Aby get away from Mr. Ryan in Iran? He ran!
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.
me when i realized that buildings don't make earth any heavier cuz all the materials were already used on it.
Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the Twin Towers.
How is a child molester and Harambe the same? They both get shot for touching little kids.
Man: Cow milk is drinkable.
Other man: How do you know that?
Man: *smiles with milk all over mouth*
Other man: John...h-how do you know that!
How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?
Claus-trophobic.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
How many LGBT supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
The lightbulb is fine the way it is. Society just needs to change the way it looks at it.
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?
None. They hire me to do it.
How do you know if spaghetti is a boy or a girl? It's meatballs.
How was the slice of cheese π§ doing in the kitchen?
Cheddar!
How do you make a blind person jealous? You ask if it's a nice day out.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Why aren't apple chargers called apple juice? Also, how do you throw away trash cans?
Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."
