Howe jokes
How was the slice of cheese 🧀 doing in the kitchen?
Cheddar!
How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?
Claus-trophobic.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
How do you know if spaghetti is a boy or a girl? It's meatballs.
Memes
It's true though
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.
Why don’t orphans know how to use a phone?
Because they don’t know where home is.
A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"
Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.
The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."
Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."
Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?
A: By how much he's coffin.
How do mountains see? They peek.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.
How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
Two Indians are walking beside a river...
One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.
"The White Man was here."
"How can you tell?"
"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"
How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven.
I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
How do you know it’s a gay guy’s birthday?
Depends how hard they blow out the candles.