How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
One if you throw it hard enough.
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them if you keep reloading.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
You should know how important it is to wash your sex toys.
That's why priests invented baptism.
How do you make a lesbian upset?
Give her a multiplication test.
Do you ever look at a person and think, "Just how many generations of inbreeding did it take to create you?"
Son: Dad, I know I'm adopted.
Dad: Well, how do you know?
Son: I found the adoption papers.
Dad: That is for your mum.
If you know, you know.
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.
How do you blindfold a woman?
Put a windshield in front of them.
I Googled "How to start a Wildfire." It gave me 28,452 matches.
me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.
Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.
Do trees pee?
How else do we have No. 1 pencils?
My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"
Me "OH NO" 💀
Want to know how to fit 71 people in a car? Two in the front while we handle 69 in the back.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
It's funny how you feel so alone with depression, and yet once you tell people on some random website, so many people relate. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop the loneliness.
Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."
Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
How does the next train stop for a depressive person? Death.
A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”
Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”
