On a scale of Johnny Depp having an erectile dysfunction to Michael Jackson exposing himself in a child day care centre, how hard is it to get into Oxford?
How can you get free butt plants just get your man to fill your butt with Natural juices
How can a prostitute make more money then a drug dealer?
She can clean her crack and sell it again.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow
Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Wanna go ride a bike?
How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw a light bulb?
Oh wait, Michael Jackson only screws little boys, my bad.
How do you blindfold and Asian? String!
How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?
Go through the dumbbell door
35. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry. 41. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state. 43. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
How do you make an adopted kid bleed... tell him to clap until his parents come back
I hate this-Everybody knows its how I roll if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll-My Uncle said this.....
How is baseball like cake?
They both need batters
How do you get 500 dead baby’s into a car? A blender
How do you get 500 dead baby’s out of a car? A straw
How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.
Three sons left home, went out into the world and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
'I built a big house for our mum,' said the first.
'I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur,' said the second.
And the third smiled and said, 'I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it.'
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
'The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house.'
To the second son she said, 'I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude.'
To the third son she wrote 'Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!'
How do you make a Orphan's hands bleed?
You make them clap until they go home
How do you fit 3 gay guys on a barstool? Flip it upside down.
Friend: How dark IS your humor Me: It started an orginization against cops
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks "How long am I going to live?" The doctor says "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says"10" The man asks "Ten what?" Then the doctor keeps going"6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1"
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Just cut the rope.
