Howe jokes
How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.
I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...
How is baseball like cake?
They both need batters.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
Memes
LoOk ThIs Is MeGaN
How do you get 1 million followers?
You run through Africa with a bottle of water.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You make them clap until they go home.
Friend: How dark IS your humor?
Me: It started an organization against cops.
How do you fit 3 gay guys on a barstool? Flip it upside down.
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Just cut the rope.
How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
How do you know your sister’s on her period? Your dad's cock tastes funny.
The reason why Trailer Park Boys is set in Nova Scotia and not Alabama is because if it was set in Alabama, then they would have to record every instance of incest. And the show's writers would need to know how to cram all of it in one season.
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They put her in a circle room and told her to find the penny in the corner.
Q: How do Chinese people name their kids?
A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.
How is the world like dirt?
Because we don't think twice about it.