Howe jokes
How did the USA beat Japan in rapping?
By dropping two of the biggest roasts.
Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.
How do cows laugh?
Moo-haha.
How can a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?
She can clean her crack and sell it again.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
Memes
I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...
How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.
How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?
Go through the dumbbell door.
How is baseball like cake?
They both need batters.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.
How do you get 1 million followers?
You run through Africa with a bottle of water.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Just cut the rope.
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
Friend: How dark IS your humor?
Me: It started an organization against cops.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You make them clap until they go home.
How do you fit 3 gay guys on a barstool? Flip it upside down.
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".