How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
How do you get 1 million followers?
You run through Africa with a bottle of water.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.
Friend: How dark IS your humor?
Me: It started an organization against cops.
me when i realized that buildings don't make earth any heavier cuz all the materials were already used on it.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Just cut the rope.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You make them clap until they go home.
How do you fit 3 gay guys on a barstool? Flip it upside down.
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They put her in a circle room and told her to find the penny in the corner.
Q: How do Chinese people name their kids?
A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Well, it depends on how hard you throw them.
How did I escape from Iraq, Iran?
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5
4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.
How does a turkey drive a car? He wings it.
How do you fuck a cow?
Find the nearest Karen.
How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?
5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.
How to make an orphan's hands hurt: Make them clap their hands till their parents come back.
