How is baseball like cake?
They both need batters.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
Friend: How dark IS your humor?
Me: It started an organization against cops.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You make them clap until they go home.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Just cut the rope.
How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They put her in a circle room and told her to find the penny in the corner.
Q: How do Chinese people name their kids?
A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.
How did I escape from Iraq, Iran?
Want to know how to fit 71 people in a car? Two in the front while we handle 69 in the back.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.